When telling this story it is difficult to limit it to the immediate details of the birth itself. I am compelled to include some background about how Kadian came to Be, to give context to the event. First, know that Kadian has been in our hearts since Kearson and I met nearly 14 years ago. During our first "date" (an impromptu evening walk which lead to us talking until sunrise and well into the next morning) we talked about parenthood, family and our mutual desire for children of our own. Yeah - it was an EPIC talk. We both missed our early classes the next day! A few months later, we were discussing baby names, and Kearson shared the name he'd thought of - Kadian. We agreed it was perfect; unique without being too "out there", simple and appropriate for a boy or a girl, and reminiscent of the word "circadian". I place great value on the natural world and like the etymological tie to the natural rhythms of life. So, we knew we'd be together, have children and one named Kadian very soon after we'd met. That in and of itself made us one of the luckiest couples I know.
Kearson proposed to me the following year, on February 14, 1994 and we were married in June 1995. We moved to Austin, Texas - thousands of miles from our friends and family - the following spring. We were chasing the sun, opportunity, and were excited to experience life together in a totally new city. Being practical people, we built a secure life in Austin before considering starting our family. It wasn't until 1998 that we began really "trying". Imagine our shock to find month after month that no pregnancy was forthcoming. The next eight years found us on a path of ever more invasive fertility tests and treatments. We started with the relatively minor interventions (fertility tests, 6 rounds of Clomid, timing ovulation) with no luck. I gave up caffeine and alcohol, started taking various vitamins, and even tried going the homeopathic route with herbal remedies. I tried weekly acupuncture for 6 months. Much of our day-to-day lives now revolved around trying to get pregnant but nothing was working. By 2003, we were ready to try the "big guns" and began seeing a fertility specialist. Hope renewed, we tried several rounds of IUI (intrauterine insemination) both with Clomid and with injectable hormones to stimulate production of multiple eggs. Still nothing, and now each cycle had become a torturous waiting game preceded by non-stop exams, blood draws, daily injections and medications that put me on a hormone-induced emotional roller coaster.
In 2005 we were ready to play our final card in hopes of a biological child - In Vitro Fertilization (IVF). Our first "fresh" cycle yielded eight viable embryos. Two were implanted, 6 frozen for later and lo and behold I became pregnant for the first time! Our hopes soared, only to be dashed even lower when the pregnancy failed before the 8th week. Marshalling our energy and faith that we were meant to have a child, we proceeded with the first of the "frozen" cycles. Neither of the two embryos made it that time. Discouraged, but with 4 more eggs to go, our third IVF attempt resulted in pregnancy. I thought for sure this was IT at last! We waited longer before telling anyone but when we visited our families for Thanksgiving, it was impossible to keep the secret and we told our immediate families. I miscarried 4 weeks later, the day after Christmas. At this point, I was in the midst of a severe identity crisis. It had never occurred to me that I wouldn't have children and I had absolutely no idea how to make sense of the rest of my life without parenthood being a part of it. We'd considered adoption, but it just didn't seem right for us and we had already agreed that we would not do another fresh IVF cycle. It felt like we'd been treading water for 8 years and we needed to move on with our lives without children if this was not to be. Frustrated and just plain tired, we seriously considered giving up without using those last two eggs. But, then, we'd have to decide what to do with them sooner or later, so we resigned ourselves to another fruitless round of IVF. We were pleased, but did not allow ourselves to celebrate when the pregnancy test was positive. Each week of sonograms and blood tests we skeptically waited for the bottom to drop out. But each week a tiny flicker of hope grew beneath our reserve. We waited the entire first trimester before telling our families, not wanting to jinx it or to put them through the disappointment of another failed attempt. Finally, at 16 weeks, we were starting to get comfortable. After telling our families, Kearson gave me an amethyst (Kadian's birthstone for her February due date) necklace as a symbol of our renewed belief in her arrival. At last, after eight long years our dreams were coming true and we were able to finally look forward to our future as parents!
II. The waiting game
At fifteen days overdue and eight years in the making, we were more than a little anxious to finally meet Kadian. My Mom had taken 3 weeks off to help with the baby and two of those weeks were now behind us. Kearson's parents, who had conservatively scheduled their visit ten days after my due date, had also arrived and now had only a few more days in town. By thirteen days past due, even the midwives at the Birthing Center had me schedule a sonogram for day sixteen and advised that it was likely the Perinatologist would recommend induction. Though no one pressured us to induce labor yet, the clock was ticking! To pass the time and keep our hands and minds busy, my Mom and I worked on various projects around the house. It is amazing what a grandma-to-be filled with nervous energy and bolstered by the early Texas spring sunshine can accomplish in 2 weeks!!! Here's a list of what we did while waiting for Kadian's grand entrance:
Amid all our projects, we were trying everything we could to get labor to start. We tried all the old standbys: walking/exercise, jumping up and down, spicy food. And yes, for all of you who helpfully suggested it, we tried sex! By 41 weeks we had tried even more aggressive measures recommended by our midwives: using a breast pump twice a day and "sweeping the membranes"; even acupuncture to no avail.
III. Finally - LABOR!
After two weeks of trying every trick in the book to get labor going, we were running out of projects and I was getting desperate! I'd talked to the midwife at the Birthing Center on Friday and she gave the go-ahead to try the "big guns" in the midwifery bag of tricks - the enema and Castor Oil. She essentially said I had the weekend, and then it would be up to the Perinatologist whether to induce. I really didn't want a hospital birth and it seemed that's what I'd get if nothing had happened by Monday, a mere 2 days away. I tried the enema that day. Nothing happened at all aside from the predictable effects and even those were short lived. Not one contraction! Discouraged, I tossed and turned that night and, exhausted with worrying about it, decided to take Saturday "off". I cleared my mind of all expectations of labor and we had a wonderful outing. First we drove out to the new Ikea outlet and poked around. Then we continued on to the Wahlburg Restaurant and Biergarten for lunch. We had a fantastic meal and it was a lovely day for a drive. That night we ordered in sushi and Thai food from Chon Sum and when my fortune cookie said "For success today, look to yourself" I decided I was ready to try the Castor Oil.
On the advice of the midwives, I waited until the following morning to take the first dose of Castor Oil. It wasn't as terrible going down as one might think from the accounts online. I mixed mine with some OJ in the blender. I had some mild contractions, but nothing regular so I took the second dose about five hours later at 3:00 PM. I was in and out of the bathroom a bit, but still nothing too terrible. Certainly nothing like the horrors I'd read about. The evening came and went, and I went to bed at about 10:30 fully expecting to require induction. No sooner had I drifted off to sleep when suddenly I was awakened with my first REAL contraction! This was nothing like the "contractions" I'd been having over the past weeks, which I now know were still just Braxton-Hicks. This one HURT! Seconds later, I heard and felt a "popping" followed by a warm gush. I knew instantly that my water had broken. Not wanting to get water all over the mattress and floor, I called out to Kearson who was in the next room. He says it took him a moment to recognize it was me calling him. At first he thought maybe it was the TV or some sound effect in the online game he was playing. But, after a few more calls he came in and helped me to the bathroom. I told him my water had broken and just then I had another contraction. It took me a minute to remember to relax and breathe through it like we'd practiced. My Mom came downstairs and stayed with me while Kearson started timing contractions and called the Birthing Center. My contractions were already 3-4 minutes apart! I expected the midwives to want to talk to me, but since I was so far overdue, they just told Kearson to bring me on in so they could make sure we kept things moving. Kearson got the car loaded with our things and Mom helped me get dressed and we were finally on our way to have a baby!
At the Birthing Center they found I was only about 4 cm dilated. But, the baby was posterior and my blood pressure was a little high, so they got me settled into the Santa Fe room. The contractions were very strong from the beginning, and I really needed to focus to manage them. I also really needed Kearson to be right there, touching me for each one. I remember asking him to call his folks and my Mom to let them know we'd arrived safely, and to text a small list of close friends who wanted to know when we went into labor. No sooner would he try to accomplish these tasks then another contraction would hit me and I'd be calling for him to drop everything and come back to me for God's sake! To his credit, it took him only one or two contractions to catch my rhythm and he managed to do all that I asked of him while being there for nearly every contraction. The only time he left my side was when a midwife was there to support me. By this time, not only was I in labor, but the Castor Oil was really doing its thing as well so I spent a lot of time early on laboring on the toilet. I also vomited a few times. This was really more of a relief than anything, since being nauseated on top of coping with labor pains should qualify as one of Dante's circles of hell. Once the diarrhea and vomiting subsided, we settled in a steady rhythm of contractions and resting in between. I found that low moaning was very helpful and Kearson also applied counter pressure to my lower back. After what seemed like a few hours later, my midwife checked me and I was a little disappointed to learn I was still only 6 cm dilated after all that work. It didn't dawn on me until much much later, when one of the midwives again mentioned the posterior presentation of the baby that I was having back labor. This is why I was progressing so slowly and why my contractions were so strong. Still, I thought I was doing a good job of coping. It never occurred to me that I wouldn't be pushing the baby out in just a few hours.
IV. The best laid plans…
After several more hours, however, I was reaching exhaustion. Too tired to even really moan through the contractions anymore, I turned my focus inward to silently relaxing completely during each contraction; breathing slowly and deeply. It really helped me to consciously relax and lower my shoulders, which would tense up with each one. At this point the midwives suggested that I take a dose of Nubane to take the edge off the contractions and to lower my blood pressure, which continued to creep up. At first I was opposed, but they explained that it would help me rest and regain some of my strength and would relax the muscles of my cervix allowing me to dilate more fully. I knew I'd need all my reserves for pushing, so I agreed. The Nubane made me drowsy and I was able to sleep in between contractions. At my next check I was eight cm dilated! Several more hours passed. Another dose of Nubane was offered and accepted. Unfortunately, after 10 hours of hard labor, I was still only eight cm dilated and my BP continued to be of mild concern. I was given an IV at 9:30 AM, and at about 11:00 the midwives first mentioned transport to the hospital for an epidural and labor augmentation with Pitocin. They explained that I'd stopped dilating, my BP was high, and Kadian was still presenting posterior. The best chance for a safe vaginal delivery was with some more aggressive pain management and Pitocin. I was caught off guard and disappointed after all my hard work to have to go to the hospital and I asked for more time, but at noon Jean, who'd come in to observe how I was progressing and help, gently yet firmly told us it was time to go to the hospital. No one factor by itself was that alarming, but taken together, she later told me she just wasn't getting a good feeling about the outcome.
So, we prepared for transport to St. David's. The Birthing Center had called ahead and Kearson drove me and the two attending midwives (Sarah and Bonnie) to the emergency entrance of the hospital. My contractions had slowed with all the excitement of the transport to 7-8 minutes apart. By 1:00 PM, we'd been admitted. By 2:00 I had been given another IV for fluids, was hooked up to three external monitors (one for contractions, one for fetal heart rate, and one for my BP and heart rate), and had been given the epidural, and a catheter. By this time, the labor and transport had really taken a toll on me. It was one thing to deal with contractions when all my attention could be focused on them, but quite another to do so while also needing to walk to/from the car, get in a bed, extend an arm for IV's, sign consent forms, etc. I could barely feign consciousness at this point and I figured if there ever was an appropriate time to get an epidural, this had to be it. The medication lowered my BP and my contractions pretty much stopped. Our admitting nurse, Jenny, thoughtfully brought Kearson a sandwich (he'd had nothing since dinner the night before) and then told us we'd have a few hours to rest before they began the labor augmentation at about 4:00 PM. Jenny also showed me how to bump up the medication on my epidural. I vowed inwardly not to do so unless absolutely necessary because I wanted to be able to feel the contractions when it came time to push.
Kearson and I drifted off for a much needed nap when at about 3:30 I was awakened by a strong contraction, followed by feeling Kadian moving around a bunch inside me. I wondered sleepily if I should call the nurse as I hadn't really felt any contractions or felt Kadian move much for some time so this seemed a little unusual. Moments later, Jenny hurried unbidden into the room and had me turn on my side. I told her about the contraction and she said she'd seen it on the monitor in the other room. She got a Doppler and began checking for Kadian's heartbeat. 10 seconds later she was on the phone paging people. I heard the words "fetal d-cell", which I knew meant Kadian's heart rate had decelerated (slowed) significantly, but I did not suspect how serious this was until two more nurses appeared and began rapidly unhooking me from my monitors. Kearson awoke to all this activity just in time for me to send him a worried look as they wheeled me out of the room on my bed. Jenny called over her shoulder to him that a nurse would be in to get him. Next thing I knew, we were RACING (seriously, it was just like in ER, the people pushing me were RUNNING down the hall, yelling at people to get out of the way and bumping into the walls going around corners) through the corridors and into an operating room where I swear at least eight people were waiting for us. A drape was erected to block my view and within seconds the surgeon announced she was making the first incision and I realized I was having an emergency C-section. I panicked a little at this point, both because of the stress of the situation and because I could feel them making the incision. It wasn't a searing pain, but I was definitely not completely numb (I was SO regretting my decision to not bump up the epidural at this point!). I told the staff that I could feel what they were doing and by this time could feel them pulling really hard on my stomach in several directions. I was having trouble remaining calm and must have been squirming quite a bit because I felt someone grab my leg and somewhat forcefully slam it back down on the table. This jolted me out of my panic and I realized that I was hindering these people from doing what was needed to get Kadian out quickly. So, I again drew on my yoga and Bradley training and focused on relaxing and breathing through the pain/pressure and calmed myself. I continued to feel enormous pressure and tugging on my stomach, and heard the surgeon say she was having trouble getting the baby out. As she made another incision, she told me she was sorry but that VBAC would not be an option for me in the future. Finally, not more than 6 minutes after feeling that big contraction, they pulled Kadian out. I could see out of the corner of my eye two people working on her, but could not see or hear her. It occurred to me that Kadian could die and I asked if the baby was going to be ok? No one answered me - they were too intent on making sure the answer to that question would be "yes". Then I heard someone say they were ready to take the baby out of the OR, and, thinking wildly to myself that this could be my only chance to see her if she or I didn't survive, I frantically asked to see her before they took her away. They quickly showed her to me, swaddled in a blanket. I saw her eyes, which looked dark and were open, for just an instant and then she was whisked away. I was reassured that they'd taken the few seconds to grant my request, figuring they wouldn't have done so if she was in immediate danger and noting that she wasn't hooked up to anything.
Once Kadian was gone, I heard the surgeon talking again and my thoughts turned to the next worst case besides losing Kadian - dying myself. I asked if I was going to be alright and they assured me I would. By this time the epidural was FINALLY on full throttle and the anesthesiologist apologized for it taking so long, but that he didn't want to use anything faster acting as it would have impacted my ability to breastfeed. Of course I was extremely grateful for this judgment call and thanked him. A mask was put over my face and I began to feel "funny" so I asked if they were trying to knock me out. He said they were giving me something to relax me and I guessed it was nitrous oxide but I didn't want to be unconscious. My brain was just starting to assimilate what had just happened in the last 10 minutes, and I wanted to be able to ask questions. I began listening to and chatting with the OR staff and the anesthesiologist removed my mask for a little while so I could talk. The surgeon apologized for having to make the right side of my incision a little "messy", explaining that Kadian was very far down in the birth canal and was difficult to extract. I told her it was OK and joked that I'd just tell people I'd been in a knife fight. Every once in a while I'd exclaim, "Wow, what just happened?!" trying to wrap my brain around it and not really expecting an answer. It kept dawning on me what a close call this was and I remember feeling profoundly grateful to all the people there for helping Kadian so quickly and to the Birthing Center staff for making the call to transport us when they did.
Eventually they replaced my nitrous mask and my next memory is of waking in a recovery room and being asked if I could wiggle my toes. I could not due to the epidural. Then Kearson came in (I was so happy to see him) and reassured me that Kadian was ok and showed me a video he'd taken of her getting cleaned up by the nurses. Someone told me that her first Apgar had been a 3, but that her 5 minute Apgar was a 9; that meant that she'd been in real distress from the deceleration, but had suffered no long term effects thanks to the speedy reaction of the St. David's team. The one point taken off at 5 minutes was for her cyanotic (grey) hands and feet, which they said hardly any newborns get full points on anyway. Roswitha, one of the midwives from the Birthing Center was at the hospital visiting another couple they had transported the night before and stopped by to see me. I was so glad to see her and tell her what had happened. I wondered aloud when I'd get to see Kadian and one of the nurses went with Kearson to go get her while Roswitha kept me company. I was overwhelmed when they brought Kadian to me. I could hardly believe that she was really alright. She was alert and the nurse reminded me that she might want to breastfeed. Roswitha helped me get her into position and she latched on right away and started to nurse. I was so relieved and finally it sunk in that we'd actually DONE IT! Certainly it was nothing like we'd planned, but we had a healthy little girl and a healthy Mom and an amazing Dad and we were all going to be just fine.
V. Denouement
It has been 18 days since Kadian was born and we are all doing so well it is hard to believe what we went through to get here! She arrived on February 19th, 2007 at 3:39 PM making her a Pisces (like her Aunt Jamie and cousin Maia) by just one day. She weighed eight pounds, seven ounces (the same weight as me when I was born) and was twenty and three quarters inches long. The two days following the birth were spent in the hospital recovering from the C-section and getting to know Kadian. My Mom and Kearson's parents visited us briefly in the recovery room on her birthday and again the next day in our room. Dana and Sondra also came to visit during that time and Kearson and Kadian roomed in with me. The best thing about being in the hospital (if I had to be there), was the bed! It was fantastic to be able to sit up, recline, elevate my legs, etc - all with the push of a button. I really missed that bed after we were discharged two days later! At home, my Mom stayed an extra week to take care of us so that we could focus on figuring out breastfeeding, diapering, and just getting to know our baby. By 11 days post partum, I'd lost all 45+ pounds of my baby weight, which must have been all water! It was incredible weighing myself each morning to find I'd dropped 5 - 10 pounds since the day before! Meanwhile, Kadian is eating like a horse and gaining weight almost as rapidly as I lost it. By 1 week old she was back to her birth weight and by two weeks had gained another whole pound! She smiles often, both in her sleep and while awake and she still has the full head of hair she was born with. We're still not sure if it is sandy blonde or if there is a little bit of red to it. It has a little swirl at the crown that makes a perfect baby Mohawk if you spike it up after her bath. Her eyes are deep blue like her Daddy's and she looks almost identical to Kearson when he was a baby. Kearson is, as I knew he would be, the most attentive and hands-on of Dads. He calls her "Honey" and won't even bargain with me for diaper duty - he just volunteers and says "I'll do it!" like it was the most enjoyable of activities. And truly, it is. Our precious girl is finally here and we are so blessed to love her and be loved.
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